May 9, 2026
“I don’t know the answer to nothin’ about a blessed thing.” That’s what Mac Sledge, played by my favorite actor of all time, Robert Duvall, said near the end of Tender Mercies, after his daughter was killed in an automobile accident. He’s overwhelmed because he has been blessed with love and simple beauties, and then hurt to the core on too many occasions. In that same monologue, he says, “I don’t trust happiness. I never did. And I never will.”
I am right there with Mac Sledge on the not understanding a blessed thing. Stick around on this planet long enough and you’ll experience more pain than you ever wanted. And if you’re looking for understanding on why that pain comes our way, it’s very hard to find.
But I disagree strongly with Mr. Sledge on happiness. While I don’t believe that happiness is permanent, I do believe that if we are so fortunate as to have happy parts of our lives, that happiness should be enjoyed, cradled, and celebrated. I would love for that happiness to last forever, but we all know that’s not how it works. But I do my best to remind myself to appreciate the moments. To really soak them in.
I’ve been feeling both sides of this pain/happiness equation in the past two weeks. Let’s go with the painful parts first, shall we?
This past Monday would have been my son Sean’s 33rd birthday. He passed away when he was four. Twenty-nine years later, it still hurts. I spent most of the day quietly reflecting. I checked in with Sean’s brother, Ryan, and Sean’s mom, Kelley. I visited his grave site, and like I do every day, I wondered what could have been. As Kelley said in a Facebook post, “We are grateful for every minute of the 4 years and 3 months we were blessed to have with him.” But we all would have taken a lot more.
Two weeks ago, I went back to Little Rock and visited with family. Those trips always include visits with my Mom. I’ve written about my beautiful, kind, and talented mother, and her losing battle to dementia/Alzheimer’s. It’s not getting better. This last visit was different, as she was sleeping almost all the time. At times she was too weak to even lift her head from her recliner. Still . . . when she was awake, her inner kindness and smile were on display. She believed us when we told her that the four old people around her holding her hand and telling her stories were her own children. As I’ve written, I hope she is internalizing this in ways we don’t understand, but, back to Mac Sledge, I don’t know the answer.
Then, on Friday of last week, I was driving from Malibu into the Valley and the canyon road was closed. That’s never a good thing. I wished for the best for those involved in a potential accident and took the detour to my destination. I did not learn until Saturday morning that the accident took the life of one of my neighbors, the mother of one of the most relentlessly positive students I have ever taught.
Devastating. I don’t understand it, I just know I hate it.
And multiply this pain by 8 billion, because we all go through it. Somehow, it helps me to know that I am not alone. This pain is an essential part of being a human being. And those of us lucky enough to have love in our lives feel it even more.
And yet . . .
And yet, amid all that sadness and tragedy, I feel beyond fortunate to have experienced the last few weeks.
- I had the opportunity to go up to Sacramento, have dinner with my son Ryan, then have him beat me for the 1,356th time in golf. I loved it.
- In my trip to Little Rock, I spent a considerable amount of time with my Dad and his wonderful wife. I was blown away by how much my 87-year-old Dad has improved his physical strength. He has worked hard with chair yoga, weights, and his recumbent bicycle, and he is moving like a new man. So not only does he still practice a little law, and find time to critique my writing, he is now the poster child for the fact that it’s never too late to get stronger.
- I’m the oldest of four siblings that my Dad and Mom had together, and sadly, blue moons occur more frequently than the four of us getting together. This past trip was one of those rare occasions and it was wonderful. My two brothers and my sister are remarkable people, but my favorite thing about us is how much we love each other.
- The past two weeks have been full of time with friends—playing golf, pickleball, and music, swimming, sharing dinners, and even working together. I am surrounded by wonderful people who share my hobbies and zest for life.
- In a few weeks, we head to Colorado to celebrate Dawson’s master’s degree graduation from the Colorado School of Mines. It’s been a perfect school for him, and he has a great job waiting for him a few weeks after that.
- And every day, I get to celebrate a happy marriage that just keeps getting better. Jill and I know how lucky we both are (though our friends constantly remind me that Jill is by far the better half of this marriage – no argument here), and we do our best to make the most of each day.
Eckhart Tolle said, “You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now.” I do my best to be fully present in the Now, to recognize the love, friendship, joy, beauty, happiness, and fun that make life so wonderful.
But sometimes, when the pain is immediate or the reminders are too much, the pain is the Now. In times like these, I want to embrace the pain. I want to wallow in the hurt. I watch sad movies. I listen to sad songs. I want to feel it.
Yes, Mac. I’m with you on the not understanding a blessed thing.
All this wonder. And all this pain.
And neither one lets go.
Post #145 on www.drmdmatthews.com
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NOTES
I’ve written two posts on my mom’s journey with dementia. You can find them here: Post #1 (2023) Post #2 (2025) And I’ve written one full post about my son Sean (2022): You can find it here.
Thanks once again to those of you who have been encouraging me to post. Thanks for the butt kick. For whatever reason, I need it these days. I love the writing, and it’s good for me. I will figure it out!
I’ve been with the band Run Screaming for over a year now. We have built our repertoire up to over two hours of music, and we’ve had the chance to perform in a variety of venues. It continues to be a blast. I’ve continued with my singing lessons and I’m getting a little better on guitar. To hear our latest highlight reel (some of which predates my joining), click here. And if you want to sign up for Run Screaming email updates, there’s a form at the bottom of the highlight reel webpage.
Mike Matthews 
Bill Sampson 
Dan Stepenosky 
Karla Jones 
Jeff Siehl 
Ida VanderPoorte 
Michelle McDonald 
Connie Harrington 
Betty Glass 
Mark P Massey 
Craig Benson 
Marcia 
Tyson Carnahan Dexter
Thank you for loving on my husband in a time where needs it. He is one of the more positive people I’ve ever met and I’m so grateful to you for being there.